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frostbite

a condition in which part of your body freezes or almost freezes

Here's how it all starts: you're sitting in the dining hall assigned to your rank. You're chewing on a piece of beef while eying the extra piece on your brother's plate. You're chattering about Shadow Alliance news with the other agents at the table. You're planning the next round of training in your head. This is what you're doing when Enjyu walks in with the cutest boy you've ever seen in your entire life trailing along behind him.

Blonde. Big, blue-green eyes. Too bad he's wearing a massive poncho that hides everything. Either way, he's kind of your type. You think you could like him. Maybe he'll like you back.

That's how it all starts: with a cute boy walking into your life and since that day, you can't really remember what it was like not having him there.

Then he walks out of it three years later without saying a word to you and that's when you realize you never meant anything to him at all.

***

Forcing him to admit his role in the Shadow Alliance wasn't exactly on your mission brief, but you savor the moment, and you'll cherish the look on cat boy's face for the rest of your life.

That's what you get, you think, for taking what's mine.

***

You aren't surprised when he just nods and waves you off. You manage not to look disappointed when he doesn't even say anything. He's probably still mad at you. Or thinking about that stupid cat boy.

You're more surprised at how heavy your heart feels, and the further you walk away from him, the more the sinking feeling grows.

***

Stupid Gray, stupid Yamato, you think.

You stock up on your favorite food and drink, using up your meager monthly allowance from Ababa in a single afternoon. Then you blow through it all in a single night.

You spend the next morning curled over the toilet, throwing up everything you ate in the past five hours. Li pats your back as you heave; you avoid looking at him the entire time. He has his best 'I warned you to stop after the chocolate milkshake' expression plastered across his face.

"You look like shit," Enjyu tells you two hours later, when you finally arrive three hours late to training. Cleaning up took longer than you'd expected.

"Feel like shit too," you mumble, out of energy to deal with his banter. You're hungry and irritable and you need to muster up the strength to start training. You don't have time for Enjyu's smug bullshit.

It's as you're about to turn away, to walk over to where Li is waiting by your usual B-dabattlefield, when Enjyu places a hand on your shoulder.

His grip is firm, like you've always expected. You can't flash-step your way out of this one.

"You're training with me today," he says.

What?

You stare at him in confusion. "But me and Li -"

"Your brother can train with lesser opponents for one morning and nothing would change about his skill level," says Enjyu in the smuggest tone ever. "Can't say the same about you, though."

You want to argue with him, but all you can manage is an annoyed "Whatever."

Enjyu stops, and you take satisfaction in the look of surprise that dominates his scarred face for a moment. It's not often you don't have a comeback for him. That's a look you'll be cherishing for years to come.

He regains his composure a second later, lavender eyes narrowing into an icy stare far too familiar to you.

"Take point B," he tells you, opting to end that conversation and initiate training. You don't say anything as you comply, taking up position at one of the B-dabattlefields laid out in the large room. Enjyu's quick to take the spot opposite to you.

You're training with a puck today, and Enjyu completely obliterates you.

***

Well, you're sitting in a drab gray room smack dab in the middle of these offices right now, waiting for a different kind of "processing" to happen. Enjyu had brought you here and left you behind to go do something else. The room has no windows, and the only thing of interest is the steel table you're sitting in front of.

But you don't have to wait long. The door opens. You expect Ababa. It's Enjyu carrying a tray of food.

"What the fuck?" you snap at him when he sets down the tray and slides it over to you. He gives you a smug look as he sits down opposite of you.

"Breakfast," he informs you ever so kindly.

You scowl at him. "Bdamage knows why, but for some reason you, asshole, are the last person I want to have breakfast with right now."

The room is silent for a moment - then your stomach growls so loudly you want to smack yourself on the head. Of course. You haven't eaten since you threw everything up earlier.

The look on Enjyu's face makes you want to smack him too.

"Fine," you mumble, grabbing fork and knife off the tray. Eating with utensils like this was one of those extra things that Ababa had to teach you and Li, the two of you having only ever used chopsticks (or your hands) back in Laiken. You were old enough to still have the occasional trouble with them at sixteen. Li uses them much more naturally than you do.

You don't eat much despite the pangs of hunger. You worry that each extra bite will make you want to run to the nearest toilet. Enjyu slides the tray aside when you finish, waiting as you wipe your mouth with your hand.

He grins when you're done. "All right, Wen, here's the thing," he says, "Ababa tasked me with investigating if you're still worth the time and effort to keep you in the Alliance elite."

You sit there, stunned at what you just heard. He waits, letting your brain catch up with your ears, and then you're shouting, "What the hell?"

The asshole has the nerve to laugh at your reaction.

"What's so funny?" you snap, then when he doesn't stop, you add, "This isn't a damn joke, Enjyu."

He's still laughing, so you stand and grab his shoulders over the table, shaking him and yelling, "Enjyu! What the hell did you mean by that?"

He finally stops, looking up at you. You tighten your grip on his shoulders, feeling the tough muscle there tense up even as he grins.

"It means we're through with you, Wen," he says, his eyes glinting and his grin turning into a sneer, "You've been on probation this entire time - ever since Gray left last year. What, you really think we didn't know about the two of you?"

We. Since when has Enjyu ever worked so eagerly for the brass? You narrow your eyes. Enjyu's planning something for sure, but you can't even begin to imagine what that twisted mind of his has come up with this time. And then there's - Gray -

You feel sick again. They had known. They always knew. You were stupid to think you could get away with fraternization between ranks. Both of you were.

You release Enjyu and slump back into your seat, staring at the table. "Does Gray know?"

Enjyu snorts, and you can practically feel his scowl on you. "Seriously?" he asks, "You find out your job is on the line and the first thing you ask about is that loser piece of shit?"

He's right, you realize. This isn't the time to be worrying about Gray. He left. He left you behind. He left you behind to deal with this. With losing your job, losing the years and years of achievements you've got, losing...your entire life.

The Shadow Alliance is your life. The only life you know.

But that's not true. You still remember life before it. You were ten when Ababa found you, just at that right age for you to remember that once, a long time ago, you'd suffered on the streets of Laiken, always hungry. The food you stole was never enough for both you and Li, so you always gave it all to Li, who had been too young to think about anyone else, to think that maybe his big brother was even hungrier than he was.

What do you have in the Shadow Alliance? Food. All the food you ever want. Ten year old Wen would shout in horror at the way you wasted so much food last night.

And you have a home, even if the part of you that remembers your parents knows this isn't the right kind of home, knows that you've been robbed of the kind of childhood that kids whose parents don't die have.

And you have Li.

Li, who doesn't remember the time before the Shadow Alliance. Li, who doesn't question his actions, who doesn't think about the cruelty being taught to him. Li, who believes with his entire heart that there is only the Shadow Alliance and that the Shadow Alliance is always right.

And you're about to lose it all just because you fell in love with an idiot who had his own issues to sort through.

You look up at Enjyu. "Don't touch Li," you tell him. "Kick me out or kill me or whatever, but don't touch Li. I swear to the Bdamage - touch him and I'll - I'll kill you - "

"Still thinking about someone else?"

You give him your harshest glare.

"You're pathetic," he tells you.

"So I've heard," you snap, but you sigh right after and let your voice grow soft, "Look, Enjyu, can we just...get this over with? Bring me to Ababa already or something -"

You cut yourself off when you see his expression change. He's grinning, but there's no laughter in his eyes, only a sinister gleam that you unfortunately recognize very well. It's that look that the bullies back in Laiken got when they saw you carrying stolen food. That look Li gets when he's finishing off an enemy. You're certain now. Enjyu is planning something.

"What?" you ask him.

His grin only grows wider as his eyes narrow. Like a cat, you think, before quickly shaking that thought away. Cats make you think of Yamato and Yamato makes you think of Gray.

"Here's the thing, Wen," he says, leaning close over the table, "I'm perfectly willing to look the other way."

No. It can't be that easy. Normally you'd be jumping around and cheering upon hearing this, but after being yanked around all morning by him, you can't help but be cautious first for once.

"Cut the crap, Enjyu. What's the catch?"

He laughs.

"Finally putting that pretty head of yours to use, huh?" he says, and his words make you want to feel sick, "Here's the catch, Wen. I'll call the investigation off if you have sex with me."

"What - no," you say, "No way, I'm not having sex with you."

"C'mon," he says, "It'll be fun."

You stare at him for a long moment. Fun? That's not...that's not what you care about.

"No."

His eyes narrow, you glare right back at him. You're not going to trade away yourself to just anyone, especially not Enjyu, at that. You were the only trainee to be picky about who you sleep with, but thankfully everyone else assumes otherwise. You would have had a much shittier time in the Alliance if they didn't - wanton disregard of Ababa's strict rules on relationships was common and encouraged among the trainees - as long as you weren't caught. But even after becoming a fully fledged member and gaining all kinds of privileges, you would still always stick to just one or two partners from the same rank as you.

(Well, okay, there's Gray. But Gray is different from them. Special.)

"So just like that, you're gonna give it all up?" he asks, "Gonna give up everything you worked for just cause you ain't interested in me?" He laughs, and you realize he thinks he's doing you a favor. "Gonna leave Li behind? This isn't the time to be a prude, Wen."

"Fuck you," you hiss.

"That's the idea, all right," he says, leaning in.

"Ugh." You shove him away, wanting nothing more than to get as far away as possible from him. "Fine."

"Yeah?" he asks, but the grin is already set on his face. He knows you've given in. There's no way out of this. No safety switch for you to flip and then you'll be right back out as if nothing had happened.

"I'll do it," you say. A pause, and you add, "For Li."

"...For Li." His grin turns into a sneer, and you shudder openly. This can't end well for you, you just know it.

You can't help but wonder what it's going to be like though. Even if you hate him, Enjyu is still attractive in that stupid, ruggedly handsome way. Even that damn scar adds to his charm. Hopefully the sex will at least be kinda pleasant, considering that.

Oh, who are you kidding. The thought of intimate physical contact with Enjyu makes you want to puke up everything you just ate.

"Come by my room tonight," he tells you, and the way he says those few key words scares you. It's completely different from the way Gray says them. Less a plea of loneliness and more a declaration of power over you.

"Yeah, sure, whatever," you tell him. "Can I go now? Li and I were going to - "

"I don't care,' he snaps, waving a hand at the door dismissively. You scowl at him and turn away, making for the door. It's halfway open and you're about to slip out when Enjyu speaks up again. "And Wen, don't forget to wear your best."

You don't even bother to give him a glare before simply walking out of there.

You need to figure out how you're going to tell Li.

If you're going to tell him.

***

"Hold still," says Li, poking one of your bruises to emphasize his words. You jerk in surprise, and this time he drops a large clump of gel onto that bruise.

"It fucking hurts," you grumble, tightening your arms around your pillow and holding it closer to yourself. Li sighs, even as he slides a hand through the clump of gel, spreading it out more evenly.

"We wouldn't have to do this if you didn't go and pick fights every night," he says, and he's probably wearing that 'I told you so' look right now.

They're not from fights, you want to tell him, but you manage to resist the urge, just as you have for the past two weeks. Li isn't innocent, he knows what you and Gray used to do, when you would lock your shared bedroom's door and he had to sleep outside on the recreational couch.

...Actually, thinking about those nights now, you were always pretty shitty towards Li when it came to your relationships with other people. You frown at this realization, and sink into the pillow, unsure now what to feel.

"You need to take care of yourself better, brother," says Li from somewhere above and behind you. You sigh.

"Yeah, I guess I do, huh?"

Li doesn't reply, falling silent as he continues to rub the gel up and down your back. You fall silent too, and the soothing rubbing kind of makes you drowsy...

You can barely keep your eyes open. After all, you haven't had a good night's sleep in two weeks...maybe you can just...close them for a moment...

***

Li must have rolled you over, or maybe you did that while you were asleep. Either way, you can't help but lay there for a moment and stare at the sun filtering in through your shitty thin curtains that barely keep anything out. You soak up the warmth, enjoying it in a way you haven't since you were ten. It's not that bad to be alive, sometimes.

You hear a door open just as you close your eyes again. You don't need to be looking to know it's Li; the subtleties of his gait and manner of walking are ever present in your mind.

He stops just beside the bed, likely wondering if you're awake or not.

"Brother?"

Scratch that, he knows you're awake. He's just checking if he's going to have to drag you out of bed the hard way. You decide to save him the trouble.

"I'm awake, Li."

A sigh. "I know."

You pop open one eye to look at him. He looks tired. You wonder why.

"Hey," you say, "Why don't you join me? It's all nice and warm here."

He bites his lip, a habit you haven't seen him do in a while, and now you're worried, because Li is calm and composed. Li is the quiet one who never worries, who never shows his emotions. That's always been your job.

He doesn't reply, looking away instead. You sit up, regretting it once something starts hurting in your back. You cringe from the pain, but your concern over Li wins out and you shrug it off, looking up at him instead of thinking about your back.

"What's wrong, Li?"

There's that lip biting again. You frown. He shakes his head and finally seems to give in.

"Enjyu came by while you were passed out," he tells you.

Oh shit.

"What did he want?" you ask, a sinking feeling growing in the pit of your stomach. You don't like where this is going.

"He was demanding where you were."

"What'd you tell him?"

You watch him as he answers. He purses his lips and scrunches his brow a little, just enough for someone looking for it to notice. He's angry with you.

"I told him you were asleep and I asked him to excuse your absence from training today," he tells you. "I told him he could punish me for your missing it instead."

"...What'd he say?" If Li notices your shudder at his words, he doesn't say anything about it.

"He told me not to worry about it," says Li, and his tone starts low, his usual calm, but as he continues, his voice starts to grow in volume. "He said he would take care of it all, and that you needn't worry about anything. Isn't that funny, brother? Enjyu actually caring about us. You'd think Enjyu was almost being...nice to you."

You hear the accusation, the anger, the bitterness in his voice, loud and clear, and you don't know how to react. You've never heard him speak this way to you before. "Li -" you start, but he cuts you off.

"I don't want to hear your excuses this time, brother," he says, "It was bad enough with Gray, now you're chasing after Enjyu -"

"I'm not," you snap. You don't want to hear any more of this. He doesn't understand, he doesn't know. He shouldn't be saying any of this. You shouldn't be letting him.

"You're not?" he says, but it's not what he actually wants to ask. You know this because immediately after he adds, "Then what are you doing when you go to his room every night?"

You try to say something - anything - something that will get him to back off, or to stop asking about this. You don't want to tell him why. You don't want to explain how you are so in trouble - how you're so close to disappearing from his life forever. You don't want to talk about it.

You take too long to come up with something. Hurt flickers across his face, and he steps back, away from you.

"Wait, Li -" The words catch in your throat. Tell him, your heart is screaming, but how? How do you tell him why you're -

"Enjyu said not to be late tonight," he says, and it's with such finality that your mind doesn't register what he said, not until he's already halfway out the door.

"Wait - wait, Li!" you shout, scrambling to get off the bed. In your haste, your legs tangle with the sheets and you end up landing on the floor. He stops moving, and you can just see the gears moving in his head. Is he going to turn and help you up? You reach for him anyway, your fingers barely brushing the hem of his pants. He clenches his fists. You kick at the sheets around your legs, trying desperately to get them off.

"Li, c'mon, Li," you say, repeating his name like - like a mantra. You need him to listen. You need to - You need to tell him. His clenched fists say as much. The harsh line of his jaw when he turns to look at you says as much. The cold gaze he casts upon you says as much.

He doesn't say anything, just standing there, looking down at you as you pathetically cling to his leg.

"Li, I..." You're almost there, it shouldn't take that much more effort to say it all. He stares at you, and those strange, animalistic eyes of his that have never frightened you before suddenly seem to bear down on you, a cold grip on your heart, squeezing and demanding, tell me.

"I'm doing this so I don't get kicked out of the Shadow Alliance!" The words tear themselves from you, and once they've come out, the unstoppable stream begins. "I don't care about ranks! I'm not doing this for more power! Enjyu knew. He knew about me and Gray and if I didn't do this, he'd lay it all out for Ababa and I'd be kicked out and - and you'd be alone." Your voice starts to crack.

"You'd be alone in the Shadow Alliance, and I don't want that," you tell him, your voice getting softer now. "I mean - what kind of brother would I be if I didn't do my best to stay here, with you? Li, you have to...you have to trust me--"

He looks away from you, and you think, this is it, the moment you've always feared - when Li denounces you and leaves you forever. You think you'd just die if he were to do that.

He doesn't say anything. His fists are still clenched. He's not looking at you. You sink to the floor, sighing. It's over. You've lost him.

Then Li starts to laugh.

You sigh and lay your head on the floor, feeling as pathetic as you must look, and that's when you feel a hand rest on the top of your head. When you look up, it's to find Li crouching before you, faint amusement lingering in his passive expression. He shakes his head, then withdraws his hand, its weight leaving your head. As he rests his hand by his side, you feel as if another weight has just been lifted off your back. You feel like you'll be able to stand better now.

"You're a real piece of work, brother," he tells you. "But I'm glad you aren't really together with Enjyu."

You can't help but laugh. "You know, that's got to be the first time anyone ever told me they were glad I was being blackmailed for sex."

He winces. "That's not what I meant."

You take a moment to pick yourself up from the floor. Your legs are a little wobbly, but you manage. Li moves to help you, steadying you and holding onto your hand tight. There is hope for Li, you think. He doesn't have to turn into someone like Enjyu. He doesn't have to stay in the Shadow Alliance forever. You'll find a way out for him, even if there's no way out for you.

"Brother." Li's voice cuts through your thoughts. "What are you going to do?"

His question gives you pause. There isn't much you can do, not really, but you make up your mind quickly anyway.

You will survive this.

This is what you will do. You will survive Enjyu's abuse, and you will survive the Shadow Alliance. You know you can do this because you have Li to support you. Li, who is the harshest of ice, unforgiving and cold, and you will never, never, let Enjyu melt him down like he's done to you.

You will freeze yourself. You will make yourself untouchable to Enjyu. He can keep doing whatever he likes to you, but when he next tears the skin from your back, you will hang on and you will not think of giving up. When you touch him back your hands will be cold, fingers like icicles, because he deserves none of the warmth that makes up your core. You will show him there is ice in you as harsh as Li's, that he can never tear you down completely.

And you will no longer mistake his gentler touches for Gray's.

***

You tune out the rest of his speech, even as an excited murmur sweeps over the crowd of other agents. You already know that you and Li have been picked. Enjyu told you just the other night, with a sneer that implied he'd had a hand in your being chosen. One more thing for you to thank him for, of course.

Your gaze meets Li's, standing just beside you, and you realize with a start that this could be what you two need after all.

This could be yours and Li's way out of the Shadow Alliance.