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the wind at his back

Gray doesn't stay in the Shadow Alliance headquarters.

(He is the wind, and nothing can hold the wind down.)

He hates staying there, with the constant reminders of his sister's fate. He hates the way Ababa treats him like dirt, hates how Enjyu's just always there at the wrong place at the right time, hates Wen for his vocal taunts, hates Li for his silent judgement. He hates the way the grunts stick to him like dirt clinging to the underside of his boot, hates the constant backstabbing between the lower ranks, hates the way everything is just training training - Bdamage, more training.

Most of all, Gray hates himself for being a part of it. When people look at him, they see first Hurricane Gray of the Shadow Alliance, top notch agent and Bdaplayer elite. They don't see him for him, and the thought that who he truly is is so invisible is what pisses Gray off the most.

(Maybe it is exactly because he is the wind that he is so invisible. Invincible.)

So he keeps his distance from the headquarters as much as he can, all part of his effort to be as far away from the Alliance as possible. He can't leave, of course, not for Liena, but some nights, lying alone in a hotel room or staring up at the stars by a campfire, he thinks maybe he could just leave. Those are the nights he hates himself the most.

So he goes back, and the few times he's forced to stay, he spends a day or two in the lavish suite Ababa has given him. And Wen is there to keep him company. In the day, their banter keeps his mood aloft, at night, their hands slip up each other's shirts and Wen growls insults against his neck as Gray leaves bite marks wherever he can.

(Wen is a curiosity. He is ice when he should be fire. Gray thinks so, at least.)

Gray always leaves before Wen wakes, because Wen is just a distraction, and he needs to hunt down Cobalt Blade before he's pulled deeper and deeper into the Shadow Alliance, and because Ababa condemns fraternization as much as he condemns treason. So Gray leaves before Wen can wake, and always, without fail, he'll run into Enjyu.

(Enjyu is fire and lightning. Sharp and angry. But he is not so much the steady flame as the moment fire bursts into existence. He will destroy Gray if he catches him at the moment of his flaring.)

The redhead sneers and taunts and gloats. Gray snaps back each time, even if he knows it isn't the best course of action. He knows it only adds fuel to Enjyu's fire, but it is an addicting fire, and Gray has practically memorized most of Enjyu's standard insults.

One day, after another morning grappling with the thought of waiting for Wen to wake, after another morning spent sneaking past Li in the elites' dining hall, after another morning of enduring yet another session of taunts with Enjyu, Gray leaves.

He leaves for a year.

At the end of that year, he finds Cobalt Blade.

***

Yamato is kind to him. Ridiculously so.

Gray has trouble accepting his friendly nature at first, because no sane boy would be this nice to a stranger, much less someone who had attacked him just two nights before. Surely, surely it is all a ploy, some great pretense to lure him in before Yamato ruins him and destroys him in ways Enjyu can only imagine. Gray pretends to be friendly in return, testing the waters so to speak, but soon finds himself subconsciously plunging in anyway.

(Gray is the wind. Ever present, but only a fleeting memory. Untouchable. Yamato is a flame. Bright and all-consuming, and Gray isn't sure he can escape this growing inferno on his own.)

Those few weeks with Yamato are the happiest Gray's had in years.

***

"You're a real friend, Gray."

The words are like a slap across his face, snapping him back to reality. His heart sinks, and Gray stands.

He almost tells Yamato right there and then what he really is, but Yamato's concerned face reminds him that no, Yamato is not ready for such a thing. Gray knows then it'll be impossible for him to betray Yamato.

"What's wrong--"

And there, in the midst of his anguish, Gray gets the urge to kiss Yamato.

He flees, muttering some excuse about looking for Bull.

***

Bull knows what he is, of course. You didn't know of Hurricane Gray without knowing he worked for the Shadow Alliance. Gray has nothing but contempt for Bull, and when they're alone, it becomes evident that the contempt is extremely mutual.

And then Bull suddenly grins, and looks him over, and asks him if he's going to fuck Yamato before betraying him.

Gray flips the hell out.

***

Wen is a little shit, constantly running his mouth off and talking about things he doesn't actually know a single thing about. Gray ignores him and Li as much as he can, focusing on Yamato's struggle to free Chrome Zephyr, knowing that in the end, everything doesn't actually matter. Wen and Li will have their fun, and then he and Yamato and Bull will be off on their way.

He doesn't expect Wen and Li to wrench the truth from him, tearing it from his lips and dragging it out into the open, bared for all present to see. Yamato's hopeful expression changes, and Gray feels his heart trying to shatter.

Liena. Think of Liena. He imagines her reaching into his chest and squeezing his heart so it keeps together, then she goes further, squeezing it until all the weakness oozes away, until all that's left is a hard shell that cares only for her, and all he can think of is freeing Liena.

Who matters more, the girl who has half his soul, or the boy he doesn't want to live without?

***

He ends up back in the Alliance headquarters anyway. Wen and Li, thankfully, say nothing about Yamato or Cobalt Blade on the way back. Instead they catch up with him, chatting almost amicably about the developments within the Alliance, about the things he missed after being a year away. It was strange that the talking soothed Gray and lowered his agitation, and maybe it had been his imagination, but he'd sworn then that Wen had been friendlier and kinder to him, even watching out for the words coming out of his mouth, while Li had seemed less distant.

Li had, of course, walked off without a word the moment they arrived in base, likely to file a report about the changing situation. Wen followed, walking off in a silence most unlike him.

(But not before he turns and says: See you in the morning, Gray - and there is something hesitant there, like ice creeping up the glass on the windows. He is waiting for Gray to stop him and say: Come by my room later. Gray does neither of those things. He is thankful for the window that keeps them apart.)

As usual, Enjyu appears from out of nowhere, right on cue to sneer and taunt and gloat at him. Gray stands by and listens for long enough to hear anything new that Enjyu has to say, then turns and walks away while the redhead is on his umpteenth iteration of why he's so much better than Gray (it's the one about accomplishing missions in record time, with the addition of, oh, you took a year to find Cobalt Blade? Isn't that funny I only took a month to blah blah blah). He hears yells of anger and indignation follow him all the way down the hall, and Gray allows himself a tiny smile on his way out. Oh, he'll pay for this later, of course. Enjyu is petty and not above getting back at him for showing him his back, but for now, it's a tiny little triumph that Gray doesn't mind being quite proud about.

He spends the rest of the night in a small room that had just been given to him. It is nothing like the suite of rooms he once had. They'd handed his old rooms to some other boy - Gray caught a glimpse of him when he'd gone and picked up his handful of old things. The boy had striking dark hair and unblinking red eyes, but such sickly pale skin that would likely dampen his battling ability.

(He does not mind losing the room, nor does he care for the boy, but he still feels his heart sink and he can't help but frown at the thought of being replaced. What a pain. He shakes the thoughts away quick as he can, and heads to his new room.)

He spends that night laying in bed, clutching the locket with Liena's picture in his ungloved hands, teeth clamped down on his lower lip as he feels the locket's wings leave long deep grooves, ugly marks of his failure, but it isn't enough because they don't hurt enough, they don't bleed enough, they don't make him want to cry where he lays until sleep, blessed sleep, pulls his eyes closed and makes his wretched conscious thoughts disappear.

He squeezes his eyes shut nevertheless, and he thinks of Liena, imagines that she is there with him, laying by his side and stroking his hair as she once did when he'd had a nightmare. Maybe it was because of their shared soul, or because they really had always had only each other, but she'd always known how to comfort him, without fail.

He thinks of the times they'd worked together in their youth, training each other in both sport and combat. He remembers the times when they'd separately had the exact same idea about the direction their training should take, and they'd say it almost at the same time then have a good laugh about it.

The one incident he remembers the most had been when he was ten. He had scraped up all the money he could to buy her a B-daman, a red and pink one that matched her then-favorite dress. He'd proudly presented it to her, only to discover she had had the same idea and had likewise saved up and bought him a B-daman as well, one that was black and red because she'd known how much he'd liked to look cool.

They had trained together, in the deserts outside Wintoon when the cooler winds blew, in the alleys between buildings when the summer sun beat on their backs. They had trained and trained and trained, because they had learned that to fight for each other was to be strong, and only the strong could change their fate. They trained until they had become like the wind, untouchable, uncatchable - invincible.

(He is the wind, and nothing can hold him down, nothing but another wind, younger but wiser that rests against his back and drives him forward and forward.)

Do you feel better now, brother? asks the imaginary Liena, still stroking his hair. He inhales deeply, and nods. The imaginary Liena brushes a hand against his cheek, her fingers thick and smooth, barely touched by training because he was just a rookie, Bdamage, Yamato is just a rookie with smooth hands and how can he take that -

How does that feel, Gray? asks Yamato in his head.

Gray's eyes snap open and he sits up. The imaginary Liena disappears, or maybe she had never been there, maybe she had actually been an imaginary Yamato in disguise.

He sits there for a moment, closing his eyes then opening them again. Each time, he sees Liena, and each time, her golden hair warps into fire and her body into steel - the fire and steel of a boy who did not realize how cruel he could be with his kindness.

(He is the wind, and nothing can hold him down, but maybe, just maybe, if there were a flame bright enough, strong enough, a flame that could not be quenched until it had him by the neck...)

Gray falls asleep clutching the locket against his chest and Yamato's name lingering on his lips.

***

And the day after his return to the Shadow Alliance headquarters, Gray throws himself back into Alliance life.

It does not take him long to start traveling again.

Maybe this time, he will have the chance to face Yamato on equal footing.

***

Save me, whispered the dirtied wind, shaking off its coat of dust and dead leaves.

The fire smiled and swept it all up.